kelsey

You know that quiet moment at a meeting when and idea for a topic is asked? well everyone is there because they need to hear something, but the hell with this if they are going to speek up...I kind of feel like that now. i know i need something, but i dont know what...so... this is just going to be a kelsey check in day.

it is almost midnight, and im tired. i have to work tomorow realy early with a girl i dont like. and it sucks. she is such an icky person...im not going to elaborate, but icky pretty much sums it up. I dont want to go...fuck responsibilitys...Im glad i cant say that seriously...because when i was high, i probably wouldnt have gone into work...whatev...

My life right now is iritating. you know they say it takes like 8 times to quit smoking befor you realy do it? well this is probably about 4 or something...and im finishing up day 2. grrrr....just want to rip my skin off. im all antsy.

I want to graduate. thank god im almost done. i want to go back to alaska for a while. Juneau probably. i wonder how much it costs to rent a place there.... maybe just for 6 months or so... maybe forever. i think i could be happy there. i should sell my condo, and use the money as a down payment on a small place in the ak. Find myself a hot fisherman...oh yah.

I think i need to sleep...

So my girlfriend came by today to get the plan B birth control thing that i just happened to have in case of emergency. This on its own should not have been a problum. I have no problum giving it to her, expecily because her boyfriend is nasty and ther children would have been the most anoying fat squatty whelps ever in existance, but still i wanted to scream when she left. Because of this whole AA thing i have had to stop haning out with a lot of people because i cant go to the bars anymore (leagly it is just a bad idea). So she comes in talking about how her and her boyfriend (an old friend of mine that i introuduced her to) are just the hottest coupple ever and do so much fun stuff and hang out with all ther friends... how everybody loves her and she is so tight with everybody. Example: "me and anthony drove down to seattle to see a good friend of mine that moved a while back..." "who was it?" "oh i dont think you know him, his name is nic. we are really close and since he lives so far away i dont get to see him much." (now mind you i have been friends with nic for over four years and she met him through me less than 3 months ago). i know this sounds petty and stupid, but i just cant stand listning to her brag about how close she is getting with my old friends and how much they all love her, while i am no longer even a fleeting thought in their minds. I am trying to tell myself that they couldnt have been that great of friends anyways if they are not willing to hang out with me when im sober, but it is still killing me. I think i am just jelious that she has all these storys to tell and is doing all this stuff with all these people having so much fun while my life is ruled by AA functions, service positions, and meetings. Im bored out of my mind! i like being sober, and waking up without come down or hang over, knowing what i did last night and getting my bills payed on time. that is all good stuff. but i used to be spontainious, and adventurous not just when i was drinking, but when i had friends that encuraged it and where the same way. the people i hang with now are awsome, but there idea of a rockin good time is going to coffee then a meeting, then to coffee agian...I just feel like im so over going to meetings every day. would anyone go to the zoo with me? or to a concert in seattle? somebody might, but we should "hit a meeting" first. Fuck that. all i ever hear these days is bla bla bla, im so gratefull, thanks to the program, bla bla bla, im a happy person. fuck that i am not happy. i am resentful as fuck... oh do i hear a fourth step comming on? grrrrr... i just want a brake.

I shouldnt be jelouse or anything of anybody
I should be gratefull, everyone else is
I should be thankful for all my new friends that have my best intrest in mind
I shouldnt look at my old life of drinking and using as all that great
I should feel sorry for her because she doesnt really know herself without drinking
I should be look forward to becoming a better person through working the steps...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things i can not change
The courage to change the things i can
And the wisdome to know the driffrence.

fellowship is key to a healthy recovery. i have found it is imposible to have a strong happy life in sobriety without other people to suport you. i need people constantly reminding me that sobriety is awsome, and fun. i have meet so many rad people to kick it with. when i dont have people around me in my sobriety i begin to wish and sometimes belive that i could be normal and use again...just one...which would lead to two...and then more bad decisions. i am thankful every day for the people in my life.

I had to work today and missed my favorite meeting of the week...the young peoples meeting. so i decided that we could have on right here online.

i have chosen a topic at random...it comes from page 48 of the big book. i think it would be cool to hear what everybody had to say.

"Everybody nowadays, belives in scores of assumptions for which there is good evidence, but no perfect visual proof. And does not science demonstrate that visual proof is the weakest proof? It is being constantly revealed, as mankind studies the material world, that outward appearances are not inward reality at all. The prosaic steel girder is a mass of electrons whirling around each other at incredible speed. theses tiny bodies are governed by precise laws, and these laws hold true throughout the material world. Science tells us so. we have no reason to doubt it. when however the perfectly logical assumption is suggested that underneath the material world and life as we see it, there is an all powerful, guiding, creative intelligence right ther our perverse streak comes to the surface and laboriously set out to convince ourselves it isn't so. we read wordy books and indulge in windy arguments, thinking we belive this universe needs no god to explaine it. were our contentions true it would follow that life originate out of nothing, means nothing, and proceeds nowhere."

Hey, im blackbird31 and im an alcoholic and an addict.

When i read this i was struck by the last part, that is such a powerful statement. Life had to begin somewhere. there must be a begining like there must always be an end. I cant exactly describe my higher power, but i feel it more as an energy. if you read my previous live journal blogs i talk about a guy sitting at a controll pannel... as this is fun and amusing i think the real thing is more like an over lying force that gides us through our lives, an energy that urges us in his path. because we can not see our protector, guiding light, angel, or higher power simply does not prove it is not there. I have done steps one and two, so i belive it is there. now it is just giving it up to him. Another thing i thought of when i read this was simply the idea that you could not judge a book by its cover, things are not always as they seem, human scences can so easily be minipulated. it is simply our judgement that tells us what is real and what is not. I cant talk for anyone but myself, but i know for the longest time my judgement was very impaird. my vision blured, touch hightened, smell diminished, tast overpowered by the drip... nothing was as it seemed reality had desolved entierly. i had so many thing between me and my higher power it is no wonder i never saw it. just as nobody realy saw me. i was scared and insecure in life, i didnt know myself and i certainly didnt care to. i apeared so laid back, confedent and collected... i deffinetly was not that person. but by comming to belive in the higher power, and taking the steps to give my life over to him and his guidence for me i one day hope to be at peace with not only myself, but with the world with all of its ups and downs. there is no reason to belive that this is not posible. i thought drugs could make me happy, and i thought alcohol could make me confedant. it didnt, but i tryed it for far to long. now it is time for me to put all my faith into a new power greater than myself with the hope that i am restored to sanity. and in the little time that i have been working the program he has shone me more visual proof to his prescence than any other blind faith i have ever had. thank you for my sobriety. for once i can think not clearly or logicly, but honnestly.

i think that rocky horror picture show is the best thing in the world. i love it. i am jannet. sobriety rules

so there is god. he sits at his little world control pannel in a rollie office chair looking at all the little people. when i invision this i see two tanks of people swimmin around like sea monkeys. one tank is crystal clear with green grass and light pouring in from all sides. the other is murkey, dark and just a little bit scarry... each tank represents a group of people, or sea monkeys as i see it, one group has given there lives over to the care of god the other is still depending on there own free will to run there lives, as it was a gift from god... it is not that god cares for the monkeys in the dirty tank, it is just that they have chosen to run things themselfs, so god just keeps one eye on them for the most part and leaves them alone, but he is still looking out. evey now and then when someone is doing something absolutly stupid and endangering themselfs he steps in to help out...as god is sitting in his chair, a red warning light comes on blinking and beeping loudly anouncing the need for intrevention. he sits up and lends a hand. these are the moments in our lives that we wonder how we made it out alive but for sheer luck...
anyways, at any point when we are willing, and decided we have fucked our lives up enugh on our own free will, god will scoop us from our dark murky tank and take us up to him and place us on the other side with the rest of the others that have given over there lives to the care of him. it is a much simpler life letting god take care of the details and keep things running smoothly.

this is kinda how i see the third step. untill we give our lives over to the care of god we are but floundering sea monkeys looking for his help blindly.

So the other day i saw a girl that i would have called my ex friend...we had a falling out you could say. I was sober, and she was shit faced. I felt sorry for her, but i felt even more sorry for her when she began crying and telling me how she had an alcohol problum. We talked for a long time about how our friendship had ended, past relationships destroyed, and alcohol use and abuse to deal with everything. I want to get together with her and get coffee or something so we can talk sober. Im not sure she remembers any of out conversation. It would be really cool to see her come into AA. It would do her a lot of good. it sure did for me. But even if she never remembers or isnt ready right now, i still got to see how i dont want to be anymore. Thank you for my sobriety.

The topic today in the meeting was "You dont have to drink, no matter what" which really makes sence. If anyone can think of a good reason to get loaded, then they should, but i dont think there is anything good that can come from that. People drink to celebrate, I would rather remember what i was celebrating, or not get sick in the middle of the party...people drink when they are sad, when you sober up shit still sucks except now you have a hangover and you probably want to die...people drink because they have nothing better to do, get a god damn hobbie. Nothing really great has ever come from getting drunk.

Dont get me wrong, i still wish i could drink sometimes, but befor i do i have to think... is it worth it? will it kill me to not drink? Is it really going to make anything that much better? my answer is usuly NO. So i try to stick to it. So far i have been so much happier. My mental health has improved 100% I enjoy doing heathy activities and I am way more awair of myself. I feel like i can connect with people much better and that makes me feel good. once again...

thank you for my sobriety.

I have been going to AA for nearly four months now and i have a little over one month clean. That sounds sadder than it really is. it is not easey to be honnest. I have not been to the "bottom" like a lot of the people i see there, and it is easey to brush them off and say i am not like that. But who cares? it is the similarities that keep me comming. My confedance was defined by my drinking and drugging habbits. I was only confedant around people when i was using. it gave me strenght and curage. But the next day when i was without my safty net of false confedence, the world was a lot more scary. Being loaded was like taking a step forward with my confadence, but comming down or being hungover was like taking two steps back. i was left spiritualy empty, searching for something else to fill the void. So with AA i am searching for a way to escape this never ending backwards battle with my self. I am not happy with myself as i am even now in sobriety, but i certainly wasnt happy where i was in the past. I dedicated so much of my life to being the life of the party, and the "hot popular well adjusted person" i was, I forgot who i was. i didnt know what made me happy anymore, i didnt know what my hobbies were, and if i did, i certainly didnt have time to do them because no matter what day or what time, there is people to see, and some social activity to attend. Im trying now to sort out my ideas of fun and it is hard becuse using was fun. it was a great hobbie...well maybe not great in the long run, but it seemed to be. Im exploring new ideas and reviving old ones and it is going good, but it seems im doing them alone. I like to read, but it is not the most social activity i could be doing, and it is by far not the most popular activity of young college students (atleast the ones i know, but maybe it is time to change who i know...). All social activities are AA based. which is fine for now, but it is depressing to think that this is my life, constantly talking about alcohol and drugs. but i guess that is all i talked about befor too...damn i was a really boring person. i didnt realy have anything to talk about. no opinions on real things, i had no idea what was going on in the world outside my group of friends. "War in Iraq? whatever, you want to talk about wars you should have seen the fight between..." pretty depressing stuff. i want to find a better self. I want to know my feelings and not drownd them in alcohol. It is easy to fall in love when your high on coke, it is easy to be happy when your drunk, and it is definetly easy to forget all the humilliating things you said and did when you black out. It is going to be really hard but i want to care about other people, i want to feel joy, and yes, i want to face my shortcommings and build a better me. fuck i am only on step one. this is going to be a long road.

I am so sick of peice of shit people. Krista you should know im talking about you. We have not been friends in years yet you still talk about me. You are not a part of my life and you never will again. it is almost embarising that i even care what you say anymore, but i have to get this out, It is extreemly hipocritical of you to be at a bar discusing with my real friend, how "its good she is getting sober, she always had a problum with that" when you yourself are wasted at the rouge, the biggest dive bar in town! In the short amount of time that we where "friends" you were drunk 90% of the time.Your life revolved around the next party, drink, or guy to screw. I am not your friend anymore because you a person that will constanly be trying to pull people down to your level. Yes i have quit drinking in order to better myself, infact i have also quit smoking, and assosiating with ass holes that don't serve any positive purpose in my life. Perhaps you should think about doing the same. If you did, maybe you would have enugh of a life to not talk about mine. while we are on the topic of bettering ourselfs, i think you should consider seeking help in Dirty Sluts Anonymous.

Krista i know you are not happy, and neather am i, but it is not going to make you any better to be drunk and talking shit about people who are doing something to better there own situations.